I have been sleeping with a guy for four months. We started off as lovers, and talked about a relationship which neither of us were ready for…

Dan & Caroline December 10, 2012
I have been sleeping with a guy for four months. We started off as lovers, and talked about a relationship which neither of us were ready for…

…(both recently out of long relationships). However we keep sleeping together and have become close. Every time we get closer though he pushes me away, by shutting down. We have talked many times about it and he says he cannot commit to me, although he cares about me, finds me sexy and says I am one of the people he is closest to. I know I need to get out of it, but I find it almost addictive. I miss him when I am not with him, and it is so easy to keep going back. Part of me feels like he will change. it is too painful though as we are not exclusive and keep ending up hurt. I have tried seeing other people but I always end up back with him, How do I cut the ties? When I walk away it ends up in some dramatic getting back together, when we try and be friends we end up back together. Help!

Caroline says

“I guess it’s deciding what you want. If you want to have a relationship with someone who won’t commit to you (which is saying I like you but I’m not that into you) and makes you feel like shit, then you have found your perfect man! By going back with him, you are saying that his behavior is ok. I think you need to look at why you are finding this dynamic addictive. If you keep seeing a pattern that is showing up in your relationships, ask yourself In my childhood, Home(Love) was =______________________?For you, it may feel like love to be uncomfortable in a relationship. In your subconscious, love and therefore sexual attraction is equated with the negative feelings that you grew up with. This is why nice, stable men seem boring it doesn’t feel like love. If I were you, I would tell him that you want to have a relationship with someone who is ready and willing to be emotionally available. If he is not able to do that, wish him the best of luck and MOVE ON. I find telling a commitment phobic man that you want to get married and have his baby very effective to make him disappear. I wasted too much time and tears over men who couldn’t for whatever reason show up and be a grown up in a relationship with me. And it was my fault that I continued to be involved with them.

You deserve to be with a man that adores you, that wants to spend time with you and not fuck other women while he’s with you. Go look in a mirror right now and say out loud “I am a gorgeous, intelligent, sexy woman! I am fucking amazing and will only be with men that treat me with the respect I deserve!” Say this everyday until you believe it in every cell of your being. It’s true and as soon as you believe it a real man will show up wanting the kind of relationship you want too.”

Dan says

“On the one hand you’ve started off your question with “I’m not ready for a relationship” and neither is he. On the other hand, you’re upset with his actions that are congruent with his statement of not being ready for a relationship. So which is it? This man and your feelings for him aside, what do you want in your life for you? How do you want to be treated in your life?I believe anyone can change but going into a situation and staying in there for a hope that someone will become who you want them to be… possibly without them or yourself knowing who exactly that is? Bit of a challenge isn’t it? Personally I think you need to figure out what you want, and if he is it, then have the conversation with him and let him know how you’re feeling. I know it can be hard to open up and have that conversation with him, but you’re an amazing human being who deserves to be happy and treated with respect. It’s easy to over complicate things because we’re scared of feeling something we don’t want to feel.

But which would you rather, invest time in someone that’s not right for you, or let them go so that someone who is right for you has the opportunity to find and be with you? The other thing I would do is make some time, sit down and write on a piece of paper your ideal man shopping list. Don’t go easy on it, write out exactly what you want and keep that list with you at all times to remind you of what you want and don’t settle for anything less because you are awesome!”