I used to always date men that treated me badly and would never commit – cheaters, emotional train wrecks, drug addicts, commitment phobics and control freaks, most of the time all of the above. I have had lots of counseling, read heaps of book and really worked on myself to break this cycle of only dating jerks.

Dan & Caroline October 1, 2012
I used to always date men that treated me badly and would never commit – cheaters, emotional train wrecks, drug addicts, commitment phobics and control freaks, most of the time all of the above. I have had lots of counseling, read heaps of book and really worked on myself to break this cycle of only dating jerks.

The men I date now are much higher quality but still the same patterns keep showing up. Men with addictions, men that don’t want to commit, men that are going thru emotional dramas, It just takes me a few weeks longer to figure it out. How do I break this pattern for good and meet a guy that’s stable, honest and wants to settle down and have a family? I beginning to think he doesn’t exist!

Dan says

“Ah, the mythical perfect man. He’s kinda like big foot… rarely seen if ever from afar, yet so many of you out there still believe he ACTUALLY exists!!!I like how you mention the phrase “higher quality”, yet lump it in the same sentence with – “the same patterns”. I think the phrase you’re trying to refer to is “higher status”? Full props to you though groceries. Noticing an unhealthy pattern is the first step on the road to change. Fuck the zeros and lets make some babies with the hero’s. I’ve got four questions for ya -1) Quite often relationships are like mirrors. The behaviors we don’t like in others are behaviors we have yet to see and change in ourselves. Do you have addictions? Are you a commit-a-fob? Are you a cheater? Are you an emotional roller coaster? Judge least you be judged. If any of these things exist in you, go do some interior work on yourself and get them sorted before you start hatting on everyone else for being just like you.

2) A pattern starts somewhere, and I’m going to take a stab in the dark that this one started with one key man in particular in your life. You’re father or if he was absent, a potential stand in father figure. It’s time to stop taking on “to be completed” man projects and start attracting some pre-built solid lockwood homes. The challenge I think you have, is that for you love meant “rescuing and saving”. So if you’re with a guy that actually has his shit sorted, you probably find it boring as fuck and you’re job as a “saver” of men is null and void and you feel less than adequate. “Great Dan, thanks for that. Now how do i fix it?”

3) Decide Decide Decide. If you want different things, you’ve got to do different things to get them. You’ve got to set your boundaries in terms of what you accept and what you don’t in your life when it comes relationships and how people treat you in them. I’ll bet you’ve allowed men to shit all over your boundaries in the past yeah? And you’ve stayed with them in the hope of change?

You’ve got to decide what you want in a man, put it down on paper, keep it with you and focus on the end game. Start those night time visualizations of you being with an amazing man, who treats you well and is a completed project, and that you are in love and happy with that completed project. Get everything in your life in alignment with this dream. Make sure the people that you surround yourself with are in line with that goal. The books you read, the music you listen to, the movies you watch, the thoughts that run through your head. This might sound retarded to a lot of people, but there’s something to be said for faking it till you make it.

4) Last Question. Be really honest with yourself and ask “Do I feel that I really deserve a man who is loving, stable, cares for me, treats me with respect, shows me he loves me by investing and allocating time for me and wants to settle down and have a family together?”